put that pen to paper; charm your way out

[PETER BERGAN WALKER]

STOP STALLING MAKE A NAME FOR YOURSELF
boy, you better put that pen to paper, charm your way out - - - - -!?

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P A G E - O N E
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THIS JOURNAL BELONGS TO PETER BERGAN WALKER.
ROOM NUMBER: 03 CELL NUMBER: 290-302-1024

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E N T R Y - I N D E X
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[PETER BERGAN WALKER]

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PUT THE PAST AWAY
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wednesday june 09

Thing have been going pretty well since Ashton and I started dating. I thought that once we were together things would be okay. I've just seen today that it's not okay yet. Ashton asked me last night to drink with him. He never asks me to drink with him. It just bothered me that he wouldn't tell me what was wrong unless we were drinking. It seems sometimes like... he can't tell me what's bothering him until he's drunk. Well I tried not to let it bother me. I just don't want to screw things up. I feel like when it comes to Ashton I can't do anything right. Ashton won't tell me anything. When something is bothering him I don't know what to say because I don't know how bad it was or what happened to him.

Today Ashton said that he had a dream about his dad and that's why he asked me to drink... because he didn't want to be alone. I don't see how drinking helps. It doesn't make people forget, it just covers things up until they get so bad that people have to drink again to try and cover it up again. I don't want Ashton to get caught up in that cycle. It's horrible. I watched my father do it for years. He would just drink himself into an even bigger slump and then... he'd hurt me and Carson. Ashton has so many ways that he doesn't have to be alone. The fact that he feels alone tells me that I'm not doing my job as his boyfriend. I'm a failure as a boyfriend. I mean, if I were worth anything as a boyfriend Ashton wouldn't want to drink... he'd feel like he could come to be for comfort and support... but he doesn't.

Well he said something that made me think. He said that I still have memories of what my dad did to me. Ashton's right. I do still have memories... it's so clear... like it happened yesterday. All I did was tell my father that I was gay and he flipped out. Dad burned an upside down cross into my shoulder near my collar bone shouting bible verses about how the wicked will never inherit the Kingdom of God. Since then I've had dreams about being wicked... being like my Father and I don't like it. The nightmares are a little hard to deal with, but I think I can handle it. Now Ashton's having nightmares though. I thought I could do it just being me having them but I can't help Ashton because I don't know anything.

I was listening to Jumper earlier by Third Eye Blind. It kind of reminds me of everything. It just hits right on and I can't believe it. Just... the lyrics, well, part of the lyrics:

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
Angry boy a bit to insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light on the burial shroud
I know something's wrong
Well everyone I know has got a reason to say
Put the past away.